The second year was a stark difference. 

I did not “have time” (more like I didn’t make time) to process and I cried the entire day.

This year I was determined to do something different. Last night I decided to look through my daughter’s baby book (we call it her first and favorites book) and the envelope that I keep cards, colored sheets from kids, and other memorabilia. I turned on one of my favorite songs, texted my best friend to ask for prayers, and opened the envelope…

I fully expected the breakdown to come. To cry. To ugly cry and to grieve my birth as I had the last 2 years.

I read every single card.

I read bible verses on notecards.

A hand drawn picture from my friend’s then 7 year old.

My first baby’s little two year old hand prints. 

My graduation certificate from the Aphasia House program I completed in April.

And the tears did not come! 

I was in such awe of all that the Lord has done these three years.

Sure there were certain pictures that were hard to look at.

Me on a ventilator as I “met” my baby for the first time.

The day my NICU warrior met her older sister.

A selfie with my hubby just hours before the AFE.

But the tears still did not come. Mostly just gratitude. Who knows next Monday I may be an emotional wreck. I may cry most of the day like last year, but I also know I will be grateful that my life and my daughter’s lives were spared. And that’s ok. 

It’s ok to be sad and grateful at the same time.